whoops...

it's cupid stupid: online love circa 1989

CNN gives us a flashback to online dating...

Be a savvy consumer when looking for love online

uh...back when online was where you were waiting for Batman to open in movie theaters. BATDANCE!!

I'm not sure of the model personal computer pictured in their article, but i'm pretty sure it has a real floppy floppy drive.

Way to go CNN.

irony lives.

Who would've thought? It figures.

the death of irony

Irony will at long last be defeated tomorrow night, as "troubled" pop-star Amy Winehouse performs her hit, "Rehab (No, No, No)" from rehab via satellite as part of the live Grammy broadcast.

Winehouse was scheduled to perform at the Grammy stage in Los Angeles but could not get a visa to travel to the US and is rumored to be in talks to perform live from the community room of the substance abuse clinic outside of London where she is being treated.

Let's hope she gets a "Yes, Yes, Yes" from clinic management and the world will smile at the way overdue death of a way overused rhetorical device, (and better read older sister of Sarcasm) Irony.

there's another manning?

Today, there is. Congatulations Eli and the NY Giants!!

Nice puppy :P

at the playground! ya know!?

comic relief: the stars of upn

Britney: not funny, very sad.
Heath Ledger: not funny, very sad.

Mad TV's "Hollywood Squares: The Stars of UPN": very funny.

Hollywood Squares: Stars of UPN! (#908)

---

Tom Bergeron as Himself
Daniele Gaither as Eve
Jordan Peele as Klingon
Stephnie Weir as Allison King
Ike Barinholtz as Tim Bagley

ANNOUNCER: Tonight on "The Hollywood Squares," a very special show featuring all the stars of the UPN Network! From her hit sitcom "Eve," Eve! and from "Star Trek Enterprise," a Klingon! And here's your host...Toooooom Bergeron!

TOM: Thank you, thank you very much, and hell-o UPN stars!

EVE, KLINGON: Hi Tom!

TOM: Let's meet Miss Circle, she is a forklift operator who's hobbies include the Bible and the films of Jenna Jameson. Let's say hello to Allison King, hi Allison.

ALLISON: Hi, very excited to be here, but I gotta confess, I don't get UPN where I live.

TOM: Where do you live?

ALLISON: New York City!

TOM: [with an "ouch" expression on his face] Oooh. Our Mister X is a female impersonator who collects mammy figurines and lawn jockey, say hello to Tim Bagley, hey Tim.

TIM: Hi Tom, can I say hi to my family?

TOM: No. Why don't we show the folks at home the secret square.

[alarm sounds and camera zooms in on the empty lower middle square]

TOM: Alrighty, now let's play the game. Tim, you won the coin toss backstage, but Allison, you flashed a little nipple, so you go first.

ALLISON: Alright, Eve!

TOM: Alright! Here we go, Eve! Triple A just voted this the most deserted place on Earth. What is it?

EVE: Kirstie Alley's vagina.

KLINGON: Hahahaha!

EVE: No, seriously, the answer is Eureka, Nevada.

ALLISON: I disagree.

TOM: Oh, I'm sorry, that was true, so X gets the square. Alright Tim Bagley, you pick a square.

TIM: Ummmm, bottom right.

TOM: Oh [with a look of uncertainty on his face]. Klingon? You mind doubling up?

KLINGON: I can't. This costume weighs a hundred pounds.

EVE: [rolling her eyes] Hell, I'll go.

TOM: Oh, thanks Eve.

[music begins to play as Eve makes her way to the bottom right square from the top right square]

EVE: [to herself] What da f**k? If UPN ain't got no stars, they shouldn't done this f**kin' show. Can't believe they couldn't get, Mo'Nique too busy to do this? LisaRaye, where da hell she at?

TOM: Eve, everyday over 8,000 visitors go inside this monument. What is it.

EVE: Pfft. Mariah Carey's vagina.

KLINGON: Hahahaha, I love it when you say "vagina"! Twice, and it's still funny!

EVE: Seriously, the Alamo.

TIM: I'll agree.

TOM: That is right, X gets the square. Alright Allison, your turn to pick a star.

ALLISON: Umm, upper left please.

TOM: Oh [same uncertain expression as before]. Eve? You feel like a little, uh, jog upstairs?

EVE: [getting pissed off] I just ran all that mess and now I gotta go back, what da hell kinda? [getting up to ascend the stairs] What kinda bullsh** is this, this like a fire escape in Philly or somethin'. All I'm tryna do is walk...

TOM: Alright Eve, a little pep in the step, show's only a half hour.

EVE: I am in Jimmy Choo boots, muthaf**ka!! [reaching the top floor] Tryna tell me what to do...

TOM: A study at Duke University showed that--

ALLISON: I'm sorry, I, I meant the, the middle right square for the block.

EVE: What da f**k? I gotta go down? This is absolute nonsense...

TOM [begins speaking while Eve is still complaining]: While you head over there, a study at Duke University showed that--

EVE: [Eve loses her bearing on the top floor and slips, falling to the ground] Whoa, waaah-ahhhh!!

TOM: [shocked, but trying to maintain composure] Well...that about does it for the stars of UPN...but, but don't forget, join me tomorrow on Hollywood Squares for "Stars who banged Paris Hilton"! We'll be adding an extra square for that one. Good night everybody!

[Tom, Allison and Tim go over to see if Eve is OK, where Allison begins to cry. Tom comforts her by hugging her, and then begins touching her ass.]

sweet dreams, jesus!

Annie Lennox has been dumped by her record label in a shocking snub she called a "kick in the teeth".

The superstar was stunned when Sony BMG suddenly began ignoring her weeks before her contract was due to expire.

Words. Fail. Me.

Update: BMG responds and it seems both sides are speaking in hyperbole to some extent:

Sony BMG Blasts Lennox 'Drop' Report
Sony BMG today (Jan. 15) hit out at "ludicrous" press reports stating the company had dropped Annie Lennox after a 25-year association....

..."She now has a choice as to whether she wants to continue to work with us in the future. We very much hope that she will."

Although, "She now has a choice..." to me sounds alot like, "we let her contract expire, and we kinda hope she goes away".

life imitates sassy commentary

In my previous post I joked that Britney was acting out to get the tabloid attention lavished on her sister back on her wacky self. Turns out, Britney called Jamie Lynn that night with the tabloids in mind:

You're not going to be the only fucking Spears on the front cover of a magazine next week!

Can't say Britney don't know how to werk the media.

elvis?

In the ongoing Spears vs. Spears smackdown, elder sister Britney takes the lead over Jamie Lynn with her headline stealing overnight showstopper:

Britney Spears entered a new chapter in her troubled life, surrounded by paparazzi and police wanting to know more about a three-hour showdown involving her young sons.

The pop star was taken away in an ambulance late Thursday after police were called to her house to help end the standoff.

"For her own welfare, she was transferred to a local hospital for medical treatment," Officer April Harding said early Friday, declining to elaborate. No injuries were reported.

With all the fucking papps on the prems, you'd think we'd get a clearer shot. Jamie Lynn, you're up! Or maybe Mama Rose, I mean Spears, wants in on this actiones des hot messes?

Ma ma mama?

Mama's talkin' loud.
Mama's doin' fine.
Mama's gettin' hot.
Mama's goin' strong.
Mama's movin' on.
Mama's all alone.
Mama doesn't care.
Mama's lettin' loose.
Mama's got the stuff.
Mama's lettin' go.
Ma ma mama?

Update: da BBC effin wit r english. Headline:

Britney stretchered out of home

"Update" Update: uh, turns out its cool...

verb
stretchered, stretchering
1. To carry someone on a stretcher.

pretty babies: part deux

Daily Mail:

Heroes star Hayden Panettiere is said to be dating her co-star Milo Ventimiglia, who at 30, is 12 years older than the 18-year-old actress.

He doesn't look 30 and she doesn't look 18. Oh well. They sure are pretty...

some old queen

Queen Elizabeth become GB's oldest evah monarch, and Harvey Fierstein can't adopt in China.

USAToday:

Queen Elizabeth II becomes Britain's oldest-ever monarch on Thursday, beating the record of Queen Victoria.

Victoria, born on May 24, 1819, lived for 81 years and 243 days.

Buckingham Palace, calculating longevity down to the hour, said Elizabeth would move past Victoria at about 5 p.m. Thursday — 12 p.m. ET.

shanghaiist (from a year ago):

China announced yesterday it is tightening its adoption rules for foreigners. Starting May 1, the following groups of people will not be allowed to take home a Chinese child:

• Unmarried
• Homosexual
• Obese
• Disfigured
• On anti-depressants

We want to be clear we are in no way insinuating that Harvey Fierstein (pictured) is disfigured or on anti-depressants.

pretty babies

Britney's sister's sperm source's sexcrime?

If 19-year-old Casey Aldridge really is the father and the baby was conceived in Spears' home state of Louisiana, the act could technically be considered "felony carnal knowledge of a juvenile" - defined as "sexual intercourse with consent between someone age 19 or older and someone between age 12 and 17".

Update: Baby Daddy just a baby. No felony at least.

There's also a recent interview with Casey's uncle that makes it clear Casey is 18, not 19, and that he's just a month less than two years older than Jamie Lynn. That means that their relationship would not be classified as statutory rape in Louisiana, but that it is legally a misdemeanor in California.

nothing else to talk about

25 years after her debut single, "Everybody", Madonna has proven she's more than "ravaged-tart trappings" and gets a place in history...

Via Jezebel:

Good news! Madonna will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, in March, in her first year of eligibility. (25 years in the business is the minimum.) Former female inductees (or bands with female artists) include Patti Smith, Blondie, The Pretenders, The Ronettes, Bonnie Raitt, Dusty Springfield, The Staples Singers, Joni Mitchell, Mahalia Jackson, Gladys Knight and the Pips, The Shirelles, Janis Joplin, Martha and the Vandellas, Etta James, Ruth Brown, Dinah Washington, Ike and Tina Turner, LaVern Baker, Ma Rainey, Bessie Smith and Aretha Franklin. Please note than many of these women are soul, R&B or folk singers -- pop or rock? Hard to come by. [Rolling Stone]

Flashback to this quote from Kurt Loder's Rolling Stone review in 1984:

Madonna’s bare-bellied, fondle-my-bra image is strictly bimbo city, and of course it sells--this debut album was one of the year’s longest-running hits. Take away the ravaged-tart trappings and there’s nothing else to talk about.

Here's to 25 years of "nothing else to talk about"!! Congratulations, Madonna. A tear :)

Update: This video is just too fabulous not to post here. An inauspicious debut if there ever was one.



This Youtube commenter kinda sums it up for me:

nadaz (3 weeks ago) Marked as spReply

love how fucking shit it is. little do they know they r watchin like the fuking queen of all time. love her. x

famous last words

Henrik Ibsen

On the contrary.

Jeanne d'Arc

Hold the cross high so I may see it through the flames!

Richard A. Loeb

I think I'm going to make it.

David Bowman, 2001: A Space Odyssey

Oh my god! It's full of stars!

Bob Harris, Lost in Translation

I have to go, but I won't let that come between us.

xmas in july (in december)

Who wants Baileys?

Factoid:

More than 4 million litres of Irish cream a year is used in the production of Baileys, this amounts to 4.3% of Ireland’s total milk production.

Fun recipe for Grandma's house:

The Juicy Pussy
1 oz Baileys® Irish cream
1 oz peach schnapps
1 splash pineapple juice

god, that's good

Careful with your coriander,
That's what makes the gravy grander

Sorry in advance for the out of context Sondheim quote proliferation that may or may not continue until December 21.

"Out of context Sondheim quote proliferation"? Did I just come up with the title of the Lifetime movie of my life starring Jennifer "A size 2 is not fat!" Love Hewitt? I think, perhaps. Or maybe the scifi, straight to video, animated feature, Star Trek F Minus: Out of Khan Text, starring, wait for it... Jennifer Love Hewitt as the young IM obsessed Klingon niece of Ricardo Montalban?

KHAAAN!!

Update: Here's Angela Lansbury at work in the original production of Sweeney Todd... "God, That's Good!"

sketchy details and innuendo...

...hallmarks of true democracy.

But, seriously... Those among us without a monogrammed beach chair may cast the first pen cap.

OUCH!!

blessed are the greek

The craptackular video posted yesterday of the View's Sherri Shepard giving credit to Jesus for, um, human history, got me thinkin bout western civilization and the Greeks and stuff and was reminded of this funny bit from Monty Python's The Life of Brian:

MAN #2:

You hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

GREGORY:

The Greek?

MAN #2:

Mmm. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

GREGORY:

Did anyone catch his name?

MRS. BIG NOSE:

You're not going to thump anybody.

MR. BIG NOSE:

I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose' again.

MR. CHEEKY:

Oh, shut up, Big Nose.

MR. BIG NOSE:

Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.

Indeed.

jesus begat the romans who begat the greeks... um, ok?

Please Whoopi, whoop some stupid across the room!!

Isn't it ironic, dontcha think?

Late Update/Sass from a Jezebel commenter channeling Linda Richman :

BY LFW1031 AT 01:28 PM

Linda to Sherri:

"Sher, hon, come sit next to me [pats seat]. I'm gonna tell you a secret: The Jews were here first.

BC, honey. BC.

Now, why don't I make you plate of brisket or maybe you like a knishe? Come! Sit! Eat! What? Sher, you're practically wasting away!"

BC, honey. BC!