some old queen

Queen Elizabeth become GB's oldest evah monarch, and Harvey Fierstein can't adopt in China.

USAToday:

Queen Elizabeth II becomes Britain's oldest-ever monarch on Thursday, beating the record of Queen Victoria.

Victoria, born on May 24, 1819, lived for 81 years and 243 days.

Buckingham Palace, calculating longevity down to the hour, said Elizabeth would move past Victoria at about 5 p.m. Thursday — 12 p.m. ET.

shanghaiist (from a year ago):

China announced yesterday it is tightening its adoption rules for foreigners. Starting May 1, the following groups of people will not be allowed to take home a Chinese child:

• Unmarried
• Homosexual
• Obese
• Disfigured
• On anti-depressants

We want to be clear we are in no way insinuating that Harvey Fierstein (pictured) is disfigured or on anti-depressants.

pretty babies

Britney's sister's sperm source's sexcrime?

If 19-year-old Casey Aldridge really is the father and the baby was conceived in Spears' home state of Louisiana, the act could technically be considered "felony carnal knowledge of a juvenile" - defined as "sexual intercourse with consent between someone age 19 or older and someone between age 12 and 17".

Update: Baby Daddy just a baby. No felony at least.

There's also a recent interview with Casey's uncle that makes it clear Casey is 18, not 19, and that he's just a month less than two years older than Jamie Lynn. That means that their relationship would not be classified as statutory rape in Louisiana, but that it is legally a misdemeanor in California.

nothing else to talk about

25 years after her debut single, "Everybody", Madonna has proven she's more than "ravaged-tart trappings" and gets a place in history...

Via Jezebel:

Good news! Madonna will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, in March, in her first year of eligibility. (25 years in the business is the minimum.) Former female inductees (or bands with female artists) include Patti Smith, Blondie, The Pretenders, The Ronettes, Bonnie Raitt, Dusty Springfield, The Staples Singers, Joni Mitchell, Mahalia Jackson, Gladys Knight and the Pips, The Shirelles, Janis Joplin, Martha and the Vandellas, Etta James, Ruth Brown, Dinah Washington, Ike and Tina Turner, LaVern Baker, Ma Rainey, Bessie Smith and Aretha Franklin. Please note than many of these women are soul, R&B or folk singers -- pop or rock? Hard to come by. [Rolling Stone]

Flashback to this quote from Kurt Loder's Rolling Stone review in 1984:

Madonna’s bare-bellied, fondle-my-bra image is strictly bimbo city, and of course it sells--this debut album was one of the year’s longest-running hits. Take away the ravaged-tart trappings and there’s nothing else to talk about.

Here's to 25 years of "nothing else to talk about"!! Congratulations, Madonna. A tear :)

Update: This video is just too fabulous not to post here. An inauspicious debut if there ever was one.



This Youtube commenter kinda sums it up for me:

nadaz (3 weeks ago) Marked as spReply

love how fucking shit it is. little do they know they r watchin like the fuking queen of all time. love her. x

famous last words

Henrik Ibsen

On the contrary.

Jeanne d'Arc

Hold the cross high so I may see it through the flames!

Richard A. Loeb

I think I'm going to make it.

David Bowman, 2001: A Space Odyssey

Oh my god! It's full of stars!

Bob Harris, Lost in Translation

I have to go, but I won't let that come between us.

xmas in july (in december)

Who wants Baileys?

Factoid:

More than 4 million litres of Irish cream a year is used in the production of Baileys, this amounts to 4.3% of Ireland’s total milk production.

Fun recipe for Grandma's house:

The Juicy Pussy
1 oz Baileys® Irish cream
1 oz peach schnapps
1 splash pineapple juice

god, that's good

Careful with your coriander,
That's what makes the gravy grander

Sorry in advance for the out of context Sondheim quote proliferation that may or may not continue until December 21.

"Out of context Sondheim quote proliferation"? Did I just come up with the title of the Lifetime movie of my life starring Jennifer "A size 2 is not fat!" Love Hewitt? I think, perhaps. Or maybe the scifi, straight to video, animated feature, Star Trek F Minus: Out of Khan Text, starring, wait for it... Jennifer Love Hewitt as the young IM obsessed Klingon niece of Ricardo Montalban?

KHAAAN!!

Update: Here's Angela Lansbury at work in the original production of Sweeney Todd... "God, That's Good!"

sketchy details and innuendo...

...hallmarks of true democracy.

But, seriously... Those among us without a monogrammed beach chair may cast the first pen cap.

OUCH!!

blessed are the greek

The craptackular video posted yesterday of the View's Sherri Shepard giving credit to Jesus for, um, human history, got me thinkin bout western civilization and the Greeks and stuff and was reminded of this funny bit from Monty Python's The Life of Brian:

MAN #2:

You hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

GREGORY:

The Greek?

MAN #2:

Mmm. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

GREGORY:

Did anyone catch his name?

MRS. BIG NOSE:

You're not going to thump anybody.

MR. BIG NOSE:

I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose' again.

MR. CHEEKY:

Oh, shut up, Big Nose.

MR. BIG NOSE:

Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--

MRS. BIG NOSE:

Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.

Indeed.

jesus begat the romans who begat the greeks... um, ok?

Please Whoopi, whoop some stupid across the room!!

Isn't it ironic, dontcha think?

Late Update/Sass from a Jezebel commenter channeling Linda Richman :

BY LFW1031 AT 01:28 PM

Linda to Sherri:

"Sher, hon, come sit next to me [pats seat]. I'm gonna tell you a secret: The Jews were here first.

BC, honey. BC.

Now, why don't I make you plate of brisket or maybe you like a knishe? Come! Sit! Eat! What? Sher, you're practically wasting away!"

BC, honey. BC!

jiminy crickets: its fucking freezing!

Snopes:

The notion that counting the chirps of crickets can serve as an informal way of working out the temperature is not new — in 1897, physicist Amos Dolbear proposed the reverse of that idea, stating outdoor temperature determined the number of cricket calls one would hear. Over the years, his way of looking at this relationship was turned on its head — people now count the chirps to get the temp rather than consult the thermometer to figure out how many cricket calls they will hear.

We've encountered a variety of "cricket chirp thermometer formulas" over the years. One specifies counting the chirps over a 40-second interval, then adding 38 to that number to achieve the current temperature. Another say it's chirps over 14 seconds then add 38. Yet a third says it's number of chirps heard in 15 seconds then add 48.

The formula endorsed by The Old Farmer's Almanac seems the most reliable. Says that esteemed tome:

To convert cricket chirps to degrees Fahrenheit, count number of chirps in 14 seconds then add 40 to get temperature.

Example: 30 chirps + 40 = 70° F

To convert cricket chirps to degrees Celsius, count number of chirps in 25 seconds, divide by 3, then add 4 to get temperature.

Example: 48 chirps ÷ 3 + 4 = 20° C

i want a hippopotamus for christmas

Best. Christmas. Song. Ever.

anderson's "fuck yeah" face

Damn...now I wish I had watched the stupid debate last night.

meh

"you wanna come round mine?"
"meh"
"whats that mean"
"so which one? yes or no?"
"meh"
"that a yes?"
"meh"
"a no??"
"meh"
"a maybe???"
"meh?"
"maybe???"
"meh"
"look please tell me"
"meh"......

tis the season, oscar season that is

...More Meryl Streep...Johnny Depp doing something weird...

Classic.

low grade explosion

LG phone kills a guy...Naomi Campbell not involved.

SEOUL, South Korea (AP) -- An exploding mobile phone battery apparently killed a South Korean man in the first such known case in this gadget-obsessed country, police say.

The man, identified only by his family name Suh, was found dead at his workplace in a quarry Wednesday morning and his mobile phone battery was melted in his shirt pocket, a police official in Cheongwon, 135 kilometers (85 miles) south of Seoul, told The Associated Press.

"We presume that the cell phone battery exploded," the police official said on condition of anonymity.

The official said the phone was made by South Korea's LG Electronics, the world's fifth-biggest handset maker.

LG Electronics confirmed its product was involved in the accident but said such a battery explosion and death was virtually impossible.

Implausible, but clearly possible.

sexy bits?

Maxim's deep thoughts on maternity:

Angelina Jolie
Baby daddy: Brad Pitt

You could put Angelina through a wood chipper and the bits that come out the other side would probably still be sexy as hell...

Um... WHAT?!?

the worst pies in london

Merry Christmas! Bwah ha ha!!!

Update: IESB.net (which stands for something I'm sure) has posted some "first look" video clips, including a little "A Little Priest".

uh...craters discovered on the moon - thanks china

File this under: More Shit from China...

From The China News Network:

BEIJING, China (AP) -- China displayed the first image of the moon captured by its Chang'e 1 lunar probe at a gala ceremony Monday, marking the formal start of the satellite's mission to document the lunar landscape.

China also announced plans to investigate a mysterious heat source somewhere in the direction of the Sun.

bumper in a beehive

Via Jezebel...

Watch Amy pull the bumper out of her hair...load it behind her head and...oh...so...coyly, take a nice big bump...wow.

action alert: sex kits for jesus

This is a handy guide for holiday lodging decisions....thanks AFA!!

Hotels replace Gideon Bibles with "sex kits"

Now is the time to let the motel chains know that you want them to keep the Gideon Bibles

Dear Child in Christ,

The latest fad with some hotels is to replace their Bibles with "intimancy kits." For instance, at New York City's trendy Soho Grand Hotel guests can enjoy a gourmet mini-bar, an iPod, a flat-screen TV and even the company of a complimentary pet goldfish. But no Bible.

Parent company Accor Hotels decided to replace the Gideon Bibles with "intimacy kits." For Accor, providing travelers with sexual paraphernalia is more important than the Bible. Accor Hotels owns several chains including: Motel 6, Sofitel, Pullman, Novotel, Mercure, Suitehotel, Ibis, All Seasons, Etap, Formule 1. While these chains are mostly located in Europe, Accor is expanding to many U.S. markets.

Since 2001, the number of luxury hotels with Bibles in the rooms has dropped by 18 percent. The same companies that own these luxury hotels also own some of the typical hotels and motels you and I might use. For example, Accor Hotels owns Motel 6. Without action now, it is simply a matter of time before other chains remove the Bibles.

Take Action! Get the rest of the story!

Thank you for caring enough to get involved. If you feel our efforts are worthy of support, would you consider making a small tax-deductible contribution?

Click here to make a donation.

Sincerely,


Donald E. Wildmon,
Founder and Chairman
American Family Association

hardball(s)

Showing support for the writers during the strike, the cast of NBC's current must see hit, The Office, um, called in sick...

Steve Carell informed NBC he is unable to report to work because he is suffering from “enlarged balls.” Not just enlarged, I'd say, but brass ones. The source on this one adds, "We wish him a happy, slow recovery."

'fantasy' land

Why can't the Chinese do anything useful with their recalled shit? Take this kiddie toy with an unexpected kick from down unda:

A POPULAR children's toy found to contain a chemical that the human body turns into the party drug "fantasy", or "GHB", has been banned in three states and is being recalled by its Melbourne creator.

All we get from China is a bit-o-lead. Fuckers.

Update: The People's Republic of China had our back after all...looks like we can Blame China for this one too...or thank them. Get to Wal*Mart quick, while supplies last.

so i'm not the only one to have noticed...

GaySocialites:

Anderson Cooper is actually looking hot!

Yum...and the Planet in Peril website is pretty too!

open mouth, prove idiocy

Bill O'Reilly on the gay homosexual Dumbledore, uh, controversy:

Although those wizards, I’m very very suspicious about what they’re doing in their spare time. So, I think, this is my conclusion, is that J.K. Rowling is a provocateur, did it on purpose, and now is going to let all hell break loose.

What do they do in they in their spare time?

During the course of Defendant BILL O'REILLY's sexual rant, it became clear that he was using a vibrator upon himself, and that he ejaculated.

hot, but fascist

But rich....

... but prob criminal.














Oh dilemma, thou art a quagmire.

Reminds me of my boycrush on Ollie North...

checkmate to me

Brilliant.

not dead yet

I don't want to go on the cart.

so long

It's been a pleasure.

just so like exhausted from the whole thing

it's tuesday, september 11 again...

... the weather, the view, and the world have changed.

bloody fucking brilliant

Seriously.

Excellent moviemaking from Director David Yates.

Extra props to the FX teams...much respect for their unbelievable artistry, mindblowing imaginations and technical...uh...wizardry.

Stupefy!!

crazy hotness: update

As is often the case with crazy gay republicans, the ones who get hurt the most (if you don't count the ones they shoot, stab, burn up or beat the shit out of in Georgetown restrooms) are the women who love them and never noticed they had a butt fucking inclination.

Jason Drake, pictured above, was once married to a woman who didn't know (or notice) that he was a gay homosexual. And she has a blog (I guess they let just anyone have one of those these days) coincidentally titled CrazyGirlCity.

While reading the articles, I also found quite a few that were speculating that it was a “love triangle” or a “lover’s quarrel” going on. More shock. So there is a chance that my ex-husband might be gay? OK, that is nothing I’d really freak out about, but it’s shocking to say the least.

Yes, that is shocking. To say the least. Such as.

Well, now she's pissed and hurt at all the hurtful things said by mean bloggers about her crazy ex-husband who, ya know, shot a bunch of guys in Florida he was trying to squeeze for defense cash for his kiddie porn boyfriend in Norfolk who's charged with stabbing and burning up a rival kiddie porn dude in NW Pennsylvania...a crime, Drake was prob hired for...and prob committed.

I truly can not believe how insensitive some people can be. Yes, according to the police, it was in fact determined that Jason was the shooter. It was a horrible thing that happened. However, Jason was not always a bad person.

See look...he's not a bad person...he lets little girls rub his hot, prickly, homo head... Mm hmmm, for the children.

And she's mad at me, I think, if I read between the lines right, cuz I had Jurassic Park up way loud last night.

Killer. Subwoofer. Action.

Sorry neighbor.

28 days...again...and again...

Poor little rich girl, Lindsay Lohan is at it again...rehab that is. But she still can't seem to distinguish between walking a fine line and snorting one...

The Sun:

LINDSAY LOHAN has allegedly been caught taking drugs in rehab.

Reports in the US say the troubled star was marched into the director's office at the Cirque Lodge clinic in Utah and warned if she slips up again she will be thrown out.

The 21-year-old was suspected of having breached the clinic's strict no drugs rule and reportedly failed a drugs test.

Our sister paper the News Of The World also told how the troubled starlet was busted for having sex with a fellow inmate in the facility's toilets.

Failing a drug-test in rehab? Pretty priceless, though it does cast major doubt on the seriousness of your get-well program to friends, family and uh...the courts...not to mention totally makes the other inmates patients insanely jealous and pissed you didn't share your stash.

Oh and hooking up in the restroom? She doesn't miss a trend does she? And totally fucking made that guy's stint in Utah worth it.

And one more... Matching your digicam to your bikini...hot!

So. Fucking. Hot.

Such. As.

thinking outside the treasure box

Yeah...so an article on CNN.com (content provided by Mental Floss) actually uses "Treasure Box" referring to a female pirate of the 19th century who happens to be the "most successful pirate of all time", whatever that means...

Thinking outside the treasure box
Although clearly ahead of her time, Cheng I Sao was shrewd enough to realize that the pirate masses weren't likely as enlightened. So, her first act as leader was to make her husband's second-in-command, Chang Pao, official captain of the fleet.

While Chang Pao led the men into battle, Cheng I Sao focused her attention on business, military strategy, and the enormous task of governing a growing body of ruffians. In the years following her husband's death, she steadily brought more and more outlaws under the banner of her Red Flag Fleet.

Girl pirates, regardless of the size (or skill) of their "treasure box" don't make good pirate movies....ask Johnny Depp.

she can haz mapz after all

Deadspin(ning):

... But now it seems some real good has come of all this. A new web site has launched, Mapsforus.org, dedicated to bringing our children the maps they so desperately need.

Such as.

sen craig's excellent misunderstanding

chachi burnin up the tube again...sorta

If your old enough to know better, but still too young to care, you probably had a crush on little Scotty Baio on Happy Days in the 70s/80s...or older, wiser, babysitter Scott Baio on repeats of Charles in Charge in the 90s. (Or maybe your roommates in college all watched Charles in Charge for teenaged hottie, Nicole Eggert and you just sat and enjoyed a little Chachi Time? Mm hmm...I'm just sayin.)

Well, in any case, such as, he's back, and on the teevee again....for the children.

Scott Baio will be back on VH1 with another season of "Scott Baio Is 45 ... and Single" and a new set of issues -- this time, over impending fatherhood.

It's no Joanie Loves Chachi in Shakespearian terms, but its on the teevee, so it must be good, right?

Update 2:39pm: Question for the "masses" (read, "3 readers")... When do we as a society deem "the tube" no longer "the tube", such as, few tubes actually use tubes these days, for the children?

all republicans are gay, such as, for the children

We have to at least consider it a real possibility that all Republicans are gay and crazy (except for Kay Bailey Hutchison, who's just crazy...I hope...ew)

From Wonkette, crazy hotness:

GOP Consultant 'Love Triangle' Deaths Remain Totally Insane
The mind-bendingly weird suburban Florida deaths of two GOP consultants and an ex-marine continue getting weirder. The Orange County sheriff announced yesterday that Jason Drake — the ex-marine — killed the consultants before offing himself, though they gave no explanation for his actions and Drake left no helpful note. more »

wide stance, such as, for the children

It's been a big news week and the catch phrase lexicon is growing fast in the blogowhirl. Try to keep up.

The Miss Teen USA train wreck and gay homo senators are giving us trendoids lots to work with...be sure to throw in a few of these this weekend at cocktail parties and happy hours to impress your tragically uninformed friends.

wide stance
such as
for the children
Minnesota
the iraq
Kay Bailey Hutchison

Update 1:20pm: Nevermind. All of the above are already dried up pasty yoostabee relevants. It was fun while it lasted.

teh irak lik evrywhr such azz

jasoroling
When your that hot its totally ok to be stupid.

david beckham the new standard for EVERYTHING, world bodies declares

In a move to streamline and simplify EVERYTHING, the United Nations, World Bank, NATO, UNICEF and a bunch of commies somewhere, have declared David Beckham to be the new global standard for everything. From the obvious: the study of human beauty and marketing; to the not so obvious: meteorology and quantum physics. A few holdout scientists, initially skeptical, are said to be warming to the idea, making quick passage of the Becks Doctrine certain.

Thank God. This just makes understanding our universe that much easier. I mean, who in the world would not understand government budgets when translated into Becks (B). As in, the new bridge is gonna be, like, so much less than Becks' Malibu weekender. Yeah? Make it happen!

Or, the latest Hubble Telescope images of that nebula with the pretty colors... oh? total 6 on the Becks scale of hot. Really? WOW! That good huh? UGH! Got a tissue?

Image by Ralph Ueltzhoeffer.

beckham displaces cheetah as running standard

David Beckham has found himself in an enviable position: the new speed standard for running. Soon, the endorsements will start pouring in and he can finally get out of that hole his wife and greedy little boys have dug him into.

Headline from CNN:

Study: T-rex could outrun David Beckham

Frankly, I am more interested in a study of the T-rex's shopping habits as compared to Posh...er, Victoooooriaaaah Beckham. Surely the skinny little excuse for forelimbs of the terrible lizard could never keep up on Rodeo...

...and I was referring to the T-Rex.

punani (!!)

jezebel, kiss & tell

If you haven't cum across Gawker's latest branding, Jezebel, please GO THERE NOW. You are missing the the best and funniest girl (like real, vaggie girl) talk, maybe ever.

Consider yesterdays post about Terrence Howard, who (?) apparently insists his hos stay kosher and clean...uh...back there. Bitchy, hilarious banter ensues...

BY WHYNOTSHESAID AT 08/22/07 06:57 PM
Witch hazel? Witch hazel? They want me to wipe my punani with witch hazel? I suppose it's better than douching with Lysol, but only marginally.

It's enough to make a boy go straight. Well...let's not get crazy now...

PUNANI!!

Maybe I need to drink less soy.

pop song has lyrics: who knew. thanks mandy.

town named after cheese sees the light of solar energy

Residents of the remote Indian village of Gudda recently got their first taste of electric light thanks to a local guy and his solar lanterns.

CNN lights up:

"When the lanterns first arrived, the villagers asked, 'What is this?' " says Hanuman Ram, the local solar engineer. "I explained to them how it worked. Then slowly, as people saw it, they said, 'Wow, what a thing this is!'"

A woman carrying a jug of water on her head was very excited about the prospect of working long hours into the night assembling shoes and quickly asked if the lanterns would stream YouTube like her iPhone.

earth gets "faithed": shocking photomanipulation

In what is being hailed as a technological breakthrough by scientists and a regretful "industry standard" by someone else, newly released images of an aging Earth shine (and reek) with digital enhancements, leading some to question our consumer and youth driven culture and others, sadly, the very meaning of life.

Asked to comment, country superstar, Faith Hill, who last week endured her own photoshop inspired, media nightmare, refused to go on the record but wanted to assure the public that she loves Carrie Underwood and totally thinks she deserved that Female Vocalist of the Year Award even though she won her fame on a game show and Faith had to earn hers the old fashioned way, marrying a famous guy.

kelly update: some december

Clarkson apologizes, via Yahoo News:

I really regret how this has turned out and I apologize to those whom I have done disservice.

Shorter Kelly Clarkson:

Sorry my album sucked.

beyonce bounces. do you?

Really... I mean... this happens to me at least once a day:

We saw that she was pumping her hair around and really into (it) with her trench coat and high heels and as she proceeded to come down the stairs, she tripped on her coat and it seems like she fell on her collarbone and face, sliding down about 12 stairs....

...then she got up (bloody mind you) and kept dancing to finish the concert!

The show must go on, and a star can take it and give it back.

WORK!

don't eat the chili sauce (it's spoiled!)

McClatchy hot dogs here:

Millions of cans of chili sauce, corned beef hash and beef stew produced by a Georgia food company are being recalled in the largest botulism scare involving commercially canned goods in more than 30 years.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration on Monday directed stores and consumers nationwide to immediately discard more than 80 brands of canned meat made at Castleberry's Food Company's Augusta, Ga., plant because they could be contaminated with the deadly bacteria.

blonde bombs (sell)

Poor Lindsay can't get a break....



Poor Britney can't get it together...


Poor Faith doesn't look 16 anymore.

blame china

For all that hockey hullabaloo and that BITCH Anne Murray, too!

Because you can never blame enough people for Anne Murray, I spread the wealth to Earth's most populous nation, China. I am sure they had something to do with it.

As for the severe shortage of chuckle inducingness usually found on deniable plausibility, please blame China.

California smog? If you're the Wall Street Journal, blame China.

This is fun, easy, and the kids in Kansas can play along!

Blame China.

hometeam hottie

Reliable Source:

When Chris Cooley showed up at Redskins offseason practice last week wearing snug, hipbone-skimming shorts, it was a sartorial scandal. " Richard Simmons called, he wants his shorts back," snarked one blogger, while others guffawed over "tight end" jokes.

Scandal? Snark? Guffaws?

Drool!!

touris interruptus

Clive Jive, 1 -- Kelly Fans, 0

Clarkson Cancels Her Summer Tour

..."There's been so much buzz about what the label said, Kelly's been on the defensive, then she fires her manager and the tour is canceled. The whole project is tainted," says Billboard's Caulfield. "Then again, she's Kelly Clarkson and she has a lot of faithful fans. The album could come out and do gangbusters."

Clarkson broke the news on her website yesterday afternoon, where she posted a statement saying that "it really is disappointing for me to have to tell you that I won't be coming out to tour this summer. The fact is that touring is just too much too soon. But I promise you that we're going to get back out there as soon as is humanly possible to give you a show that will be even better."...

xmas in july (in june)

Pick up all that shit.

'gay bomb' story not about clay aiken

Hard hitting news from CBS:

Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb'
A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.

Oh yeah, baby! Make love not war...make hot sweaty love to the soldier to your left! Now thats unit cohesion.